Provo Halloween Half Marathon

Do you ever have one of those things... you know, those things you say like... "One day I'd like to..." or "One day I'm going to..." I'm sure we all have those things we say. I, myself, have always said..."I'm going to run a marathon, or half marathon" or something like that. Well, I finally decided to do it. And, it was hard. I started training, but didn't really follow any sort of training program. I would run on my treadmill, and run on the track. No certain distance. No certain time of the day. Just whenever I could. And, well... I decided that I was going to register and just do it. So, I did. The Halloween Half Marathon was hard. But, it was so pretty. The weather was freezing cold at the start...in the 30's...and by the time I finished the race... and was down the canyon...it was beautiful and sunny.

Here's the thing I learned about running. It's partly physical but mostly mental. I ran the first 5 miles, no problem. My breathing was fine and my legs were feeling great. After that, the road leveled out, and I was still going ok...but, I just got tired. My legs were annoyed. My mind kept saying I couldn't do it. I had quite a few talks with myself when I was running. It's a good time to have talks with myself apparently because I got a lot worked out in my own little head.

But, I did. And, I'm glad. I didn't finish first by any means. But, my goal was to finish, and to not be last. And, I for sure made that goal. And, I'm just glad that I finally did it!

I was so happy when I was almost to the finish line, and then I heard Kira's voice and she started running towards me...It was a relief to be done.

My legs are killing me. I am walking like an old lady. My knees, ankles, shoulders, stomach...well, all of me hurts. But, I'm proud of myself for sticking to it. Besides that, I got a cool medal for finishing. Now, I'm going to pick a training schedule and actually follow a schedule for my next half marathon-in April!

My little Angel

From the moment I knew I was pregnant, I have adored this little girl....Kira Hope Hart.

Really, I couldn't imagine my life without her.

I'm the luckiest mom in the world.

She really is...my little angel.

Dangit...

Kira was outside playing at the playground and playing in the mulch. She got a splinter.

Kira: Dad, I got a owie.

Dad: You do? You have a splinter. Okay. Go upstairs and get the tweezers out of dad's bathroom drawer.

Kira: Here dad.

Ha ha. Love her.

A lazy Sunday

So...Amy and Dimitri came over to play. We watched a movie... hung out...and Dimitri and Kira rode bikes and played on the playground. Now that they live close we get to hang out a lot and I love it!

Kira ....cute little gymnist.

Kira and Dimitri carefully examining her new bike.

Kira's getting some sun.

Awwh...her first bike. Look at her go!!

Lessons I'm Learning

I would never say that cancer is a blessing. Because, I really can't see how it is. It's painful. It's scary. It's more than scary--It's terrifying. It's deadly. And, it's makes me so sad and sick sometimes to know how much Rick is hurting-- and there's nothing I, or anything short of a medical miracle, can do for him to cure him. To stop it completely. To make sure he lives a really long life.
But, I'll tell you what I have learned so far in the last 10 months:
1. Life is so short. It is so short that it's not even funny. A year ago Rick and I would talk-- and it was good conversation. We'd chat-- or we'd complain- or we'd talk to each other's kids. But, it was just something we did. I'd get off the phone-- and say-- peace out. Or, talk to you later. But, now everytime-- cheesy or not, I tell him I love him. Because I never know if something may happen, and he doesn't wake up the next day-- I'll know the last thing he heard from me, was "Love you, bro." Or, "Love you- I'll call tomorrow." He knows that I care. And, when I see him calling... I don't think "oh, I'll call him back." I pick it up. And, I spend as much time as either of us have-- talking to him... because I don't want to regret missing one single phone call if I can.
2. The little things count. That's all. A missed call from him-- letting me know he was trying to call and talk. Or, a text message with an update from the doctor. Or, a voicemail from his kids singing happy birthday to me. Or, a picture message (like this one above.) so that I can see how he is, how he looks, and how things are. Or-- I'll call him on my way to work and leave a message...or I'll text him randomly just to say hi. I know all of those things mean the world to him-- well, and me. And, it only takes 2 seconds to do them. The little things-- they count. They really do.
3. Family. I have really learned-- the importance of my family. I call my parents more often than I ever have. I appreciate them more. I can see how much they are going through -- having a child who is so sick-- and how they are handling it...and I look to them for strength. My sister and I go through periods of talking randomly, and then daily. Keeping each other updated on our lives, on Rick's progress. It seems as though each of us play phone tag with him--but it works out so we can share what's new and make sure we are both up to date. We give each other advice, chat about kids, and life-- and I just have grown to appreciate her more than ever over the last few years. I could go on about family... but I am just glad that I have my own family (Kenny and Kira) and that I have the family that I come from-- and that I can draw strength from some of them-- I really don't know what I would do without them.
4. Health. This is probably one of the biggest things so far. My health-- is my health...and it is my job to do the best I can to stay healthy. Because, I firmly believe that had my little brother been really overweight, or really unhealthy in more ways--he would have been a lot worse off. That's not to say that his health was perfect-- but it makes me realize that there are so many ways that I can be improving my health, and I have been doing so. So, in case something like this happens... I have more than a fair shot at overcoming whatever comes my way. And, it's scary to know that this cancer could run in my genes and probably does. So, I am not taking my health for granted. And, I am doing a lot better with making better choices.

So, let's just sum it up: Cancer sucks. There are no benefits, that I can see, of having it. I am not glad that Rick has cancer. But, I am glad that I have taken this news-- and done my best to be a support to him because that is what he needs. And, while doing so-- I am learning so much about myself, and about others. And, I appreciate the time that I do have with him.

Love you, Rick. Keep hanging in there.

Bella

So, I've never really been an "animal lover." I'll admit it. I mean... I like animals. I like to play with them...and I really don't mind too much taking care of them. But, "animal lover"...not really me. Most of you know I have a little dog named Duke. He's a miniature pinture. I got him for Kenny when we first got married. He's a hyper little dog. But, he's pretty good. He's a nice dog-- well-behaved. Well, Kenny got another dog when I was pregnant with Kira. It was WAY TOO MUCH for me to handle. Two dogs, and a baby. I almost lost my mind. I really did. So, we gave him away. :(
The other day my co-worker told me about this little dog that her son's girlfriend found in the middle of traffic. They were going to take her to the animal shelter because she already had 3 dogs in the house, and just couldn't do one more. For some reason-- I panicked. I didn't want them to take her to the shelter. She told me it was a little dog-- but was so dirty, and messy, and matted hair... I felt so bad for her. So, I went and got her. She looked terrible. Her hair was so gross, and she smelled, and she had dreadlocks in her hair. :( But, I felt so bad for the little thing. I looked through all of the lost dog ads I could find-- going back months. I showed her to one girl, spoke to a couple others. I put up found dog ads... no response. I took her twice to get checked for a chip. Then, I took her to the vet. This poor tiny dog was just in a world of a mess. Her hair was so long and matted. The vet said whoever had her, neglected her really bad...and I shouldn't feel bad if I was going to keep her and take care of her.
So, that's what I did. She got her shots. I took her to the groomer. I just got her teeth cleaned today and a couple of them had to be pulled.
Here's the thing. I just love her. She is so tiny, and cute...and just so loving. She looks so much better, and has perked up so much since we've had her. She plays with Duke. She plays with her toys. She curls up in a little ball on my lap, or right at my feet.
I have no idea why on earth I wanted this dog. Maybe I felt like I was "saving" her. Or, maybe I just couldn't stand the thought of this poor thing being in the shelter, and maybe not being adopted. But, Kenny let me keep her. And, he was happy to do it. Duke is hyper, she is pretty quiet. I think they'll help balance each other out. Here she is... resting in her new home.

Betty Crocker, Jr.

The pictures say it all. I woke up this morning, went out to run errands, and when I got home, Kira and I set to work. I had bananas that were getting way too ripe, and zucchini our friend gave us. So, we made banana nut/chocolate chip muffins, and zucchini bread. Kira was a good helper. She really was. I measured everything, and she put it in the bowl. She helped mix it, and didn't make a mess. It was a fun morning... and to see her excitement that she helped make these fun muffins... was so cute. I'm not a natural cook, or baker. But, I think this might be a regular activity with Kira and I!! :)

It's been a while...

I feel like this is one of those pictures where Kira is just like her mommy. And, she represents in this picture how I feel right now. I just want to wear clothes that don't match. Sit out on the grass just because I can, [play all day and leave my toys everywhere...and stick my tongue out at the world, ya know?

It is no secret that I love to write. It is no secret that I love to take pictures... of myself, and of Kira. :) But, the last little while, I haven't taken as many pictures, and it's obvious...I haven't been writing-- on this blog atleast. But, I've falled off the wagon before...and I've gotten back on. It's just that each time I fall off, I don't think I ever will again. So, that's a lie, I've learned. So, I'll blog I guess when I feel like it...and I won't feel so overwhelmed to "catch back up." Although, I will eventually.

Okay, for the quick summary: I mean... It's been almost 5 months. So, I'll summarize and then go back and blog when I have the time and feel like it. :)

Kenny: Kenny is working hard, and working hard at playing when he can. :) He really does work hard for our family and he sacrafices a lot. That being said, he also gets his time to play. He went turkey hunting for several weekends-- but... sad... no turkey. He'll go deer hunting in October, and who knows what other animal he'll want to hunt for. I can't keep track really. He also, is the typical "guy" when it comes to working out in the garage. He currently has a truck in the driveway he's working on, and 3 bikes in the garage. I'm not sure which of those run, but he seems to enjoy just putting on his music and playing in the garage. I mean-- why not?

Me? I'm working. Yep. I work my 40 hours a week and not a minute more. I spend most of my time with Kira...and get to go and play with my friends. Kenny's been good about making sure I get to go do things that I want to. I'm also working on a goal I've set for the end of October-- and that's been something good for me to focus on and spend time working towards. It's been a while since I really decided to accomplish something that was hard to do-- and I'll go through with it. Rick is still ....sick. He's been doing .... ? I don't want to say better, or worse. He's had a few surgeries and had a rough time. But, I am proud of him for getting the treatment that he needs even though it's been really hard on he and his family. I hope and pray for him everyday to be 100% again...but I try to be realistic. It's an evil battle inside myself-- between denial and acceptance... believing in miracles-but trying to be realistic. I guess just not living by him and not being able to see him-- leaves me at a loss for how things are. I'm praying, crossing my fingers, etc... that he beats this crappy cancer. :(

Kira: She'll be 3 next month. Holy cow? Are you kidding me right now? This is so crazy. I'm going to have a 3 year old. Now-- she's STILL working on the potty training. It's getting frustrating. She'll be doing so well- and then she decides she wants to be a "baby" and just stops. We will GET IT DONE... eventually... :/ Grr. Kira really has been talking and learning and just is so fun. She uses new words every day. She loves to play with her friends. Whenever she sees any kids remotely her age she says "Hey mom, there my friends." She is just so sweet and loving. She likes to sing songs-- several of them little primary songs. She likes to go to church and play with the other kids. She loves her babysitter. She loves to pretend talk on the phone. She wants to color all the time now. She is sassy- more so than ever. When she says "no".... she really has no intention of doing whatever I've asked of her. She knows her numbers, and alphabet--mostly. :) Or, she knows them...and just wants to be silly sometimes is what I think is the case. She's got curly blonde hair, big blue eyes, and a smile that just melts everyone's heart. I really love this little girl, and although she drives me bonkers sometimes-- she is my adorable child and I love her more than anything.

We all went to New Mexico this summer to visit Kenny's family. I probably have 500 pictures from that trip....it was so much fun...and we were sad to come back. :( Otherwise, no other trips for us. Our next trip, other than maybe this winter to see my brother when he gets home from Afghanistan in December.... will be Newport Beach next summer. I know it's forever away. I know. That's okay. I'll start the countdown now. Woot! Woot!

Okay... there's a little summary. I know you're thinking... 5 months? And that's all you got? Be patient... it's been a rough year. :)

How I felt for the last few months....

I'm back...oh boy...I'm BACK. Not only am I back to blogging...but I feel like me...Stephanie again. I've started to catch up on my blogging. Okay..I'm nowhere near being caught up...but, I'm BACK. Who's excited? Anyway--I've started updating my blog, and because I'm weird like this--my posts will be backdated so that I have some sense of order in my blog. I mean...blogs DO have to be orderly, right?

I've been in a funk. I've been in just a not so good "space." Life has been overwhelming to me. I mean, really--when is it not? But, this time--it was way too much for me. So, I took a break. I took a break from it all. I went to see my brother, went to visit my parents and my sister... took a few sick days off of work... and just .... well, I'm not sure what I did. But, whatever it is...I am over being in my own little world, and ready to be back to my normal silly, blogging, painting, crazy self.

I really am lucky for the family that I have...and for the good friends that I have. I don't have a million--but I do have a few that really have kept me sane, and let me be me. I love them for it.

So, what have we been up to? Don't you want to know?

Kenny--Working ... alot. He's been working on his bike, tinkering with truck that he was gifted from a darling dear friend of mine (wink), did the round robin tournament at the gun club... and he's getting excited to spend just about every weekend next month turkey hunting. Don't ask me about that excitement...but he's WAY excited.

Kira-- Miss Personality has been talk, talk, talking.... allll daaaaay long. And, she's learning her abc's, colors, numbers, etc. She has such a sense of humor. She laughs a lot. She LOVES to paint and color-on paper and on herself. She is getting along great at her "daycare." She loves to help me clean, and do laundry, and well...make the mess that needs cleaning. She wants to do everything herself. She is a little more picky and naughty when it comes to dinner time. If Duke isn't in his bed at dinner time, he gets a feast courtesy of Kira. She is SO loving, and loves to give kisses and hugs. Her cute little face just crumbles if she sees anyone sad, and her face lights up when she's being silly or excited. Don't get me wrong--she's a terror also. If it can be opened, she opens it and dumps it, or draws with it, or does whatever she isn't supposed to with whatever she can get her hands on. She has been sick a few times, and I'm SO ready for the warm weather which I hope helps her keep from getting sick so much.

Me-- Hmm. I've been working. Exciting, huh? I work... and I play with Kira. I have had a couple play dates. I've gone to see my brother, and my parents, and my sister. I've spent time with friends, and played Bunko. I love playing bunko--one of the highlights of my month. ha! I have been getting myself to the gym and/or walking with my girlfriend on lunch at work--that's helped me for sure with my stress levels. I've just updated my ipod with fun new songs, have a nice pair of running shoes...and I'm ready for the nice weather to get outside every day. I need the sunshine. Seriously--I need the sun!!!

I'm happy to report that Kenny and I are both employed...have a happy child, and are doing pretty well. We've both had our fun times with medical tests/procedures/sicknesses the last few months--but we are doing fine. And, well...things could be a lot worse so I'm thankful for the health we do have.

Amazing how much I can ramble when it's almost midnight. But, that's our family update for now. I'll play catch up-- and post my fun pictures from vacations, etc. I'm actually excited!!

Easter!

Kira had a fun Easter. Her Aunt, Grandma and Grandpas...and of course, the Easter Bunny treated her well. She ate way too much candy, and had a fun time with her Easter baskets!
It was FREEZING outside...so the Easter Bunny hid eggs inside Grandma Hart's house. Kira felt the need to open seriously every egg before she'd move on to the next one. I think the Easter Bunny might not hide so many eggs next year? I don't know...I think I'll tell him to maybe hide 1/4 of the eggs he did this year....might make it easier on everyone. We had a yummy breakfast, good chats, and full bellies. :)

Colorful Eggs!

Everyone and their 18 kids were at Walmart the day before Easter. I picked up a few things, including some Easter things. While I made lunch, Kenny colored eggs with Kira...and my, my, my...they were some FUN eggs!!

Kira and her daddy....she's stripped down to nothing to save her clothes--she's a messy artist.

Daddy helped Kira dip the eggs

Kira made almost all of them (she didn't like to share too much. ha!)

AlL dONe!!!

Happy Birthday Jake!!

So.... Kenny, Kira and I went to celebrate Jake's birthday. We went to have dinner and cake at Leslie and Greg's house. First of all...pizza from the Pie..SO yummy. Second of all--ADORABLE house. Oh, and third of all...HaPpy BiRtHdaY Jake!

Jake blowing out his candles... waaaaaay too many of them I think.


Jake and his girlfriend, Melissa..such a cute couple :)

Daddy and Kira bowling

Umm...even with assistance of the little kiddie helper Jake didn't do so hot.

They had a little contest, and the kids did the chicken dance--Kira was SO good at it. It was a proud mommy moment.

Normally I'm not so down for bowling. My wrists always hurt after a game or two. I never win. And, well... I never win. BUT, my wrists didn't hurt....not one second..... and, I mean.....not bragging or anything, but umm...I totally beat Kenny. HA!!! woot! woot! It was way fun, though...I'm totally down for some more cosmic bowling. :)

Cute Cousins

Anyone who knows my mom knows that she is an AMAZING seamstress. Well, this year she made Kira, Kali, and Kamdyn matching dresses. They had the same shoes, shirts, and dresses. We all went to church together and those little girls were the most adorable kids there! Now..taking a picture with three little girls...I mean, we did the best we could. :

Goodbye Utah... Hello Sunshine....

Kira is set: Goldfish, milk, earphones, and teddy bear. This sweet girl was an ANGEL on the plane. She didn't cry, or fuss, or ....do anything but eat her snacks, smile at the person behind her, and watch her little TV. I was SO relieved she behaved. SO glad!

As soon as my sister and her car full of kids picked us up...she zonked out. Traveling is hard for little ones!

We got mom a fruit arrangement to bring her for her birthday. It was yummy!

Kira...handing me a weed...thinking it's a beautiful flower!


My little girl...just so happy to be in the sunshine!

So, my sister and I have started a tradition. Each March we go to visit my parents...I take my daughter, and she takes however many kids she has at the time. This year she's up to 30. Just kidding. But, it's us girls and our kids...and my parents...and the sunshine. This year this trip could not have come at a better time. I was so tired, and so DONE with just everything... I know that sounds bad...but really...I just wanted a vacation and the sun was calling my name. I was gone for a week...which was a long time to be away from home, and from Kenny...but really...I could have stayed SO much longer besides that. I can't wait til next year...

I've written and re-written a blog post about my brother so many times over the last couple months and deleted every one. A blog about my little brother who has cancer. My little brother who has parents, siblings, friends, a wife, three children, and cancer. MY little brother.

I pride myself in being able to express how I feel. I can write a story, or poem, or article and paint a picture of any emotion that I am feeling. I could turn dirt into diamonds with just a few words. I could probably, should my life ever allow, quit my job and be happy just writing all day long about family, friends, life lessons, funny events, etc. I love writing just that much.

But right now, I just can't do it.

My blog has been on pause. I can go to work, take care of my family, and do day to day activities with not much room for much else, and even smile while I am doing it. Up until now, I have been blank when it comes to writing. I have been sad. I have been in my own world. I've withdrawn from some people, and clung to others, unable to focus as well at work, and really I'm sure let other things suffer.

But, I'm trying. I'm just worried, and sad, and heartbroken for my brother and his family...but I'm trying. So, maybe this is my way of saying...I'll stop slacking on my blog soon enough...if I've slacked on our friendship...I'll try harder, but understand I don't have much to give lately...and if you've missed pictures of my cute baby...I'll catch up. Just….when I can.

I am feeling a heartbreak I’ve never felt before. I’m 32, and believe me, my heart has been broken before. My heart has experienced happiness, and sadness, emptiness, and…it’s been shattered…and I’ve picked up every last piece of my broken heart and moved on with life. Some broken hearts can be healed. Some hurt less with time. Some are because of life lessons, lost loves, self induced conflict, accidents, tragedy, death, and the list could go on. But, this one: this is one I’m not sure how to handle because I’ve never had to and there is no good explanation of how or why.

So, that’s where I’ve been. In limbo between trying to be positive and upbeat, while obviously being terrified and sad for him.

I have no regrets with my relationship with my brother. That’s the only solace that I have. He always knew he could come to me. He always knew I was a phone call away. And, he has always known I’ve cared. Even with that said, it doesn’t make it easier.

It doesn’t make it easier.