Two Harts + One

I've written and re-written a blog post about my brother so many times over the last couple months and deleted every one. A blog about my little brother who has cancer. My little brother who has parents, siblings, friends, a wife, three children, and cancer. MY little brother.

I pride myself in being able to express how I feel. I can write a story, or poem, or article and paint a picture of any emotion that I am feeling. I could turn dirt into diamonds with just a few words. I could probably, should my life ever allow, quit my job and be happy just writing all day long about family, friends, life lessons, funny events, etc. I love writing just that much.

But right now, I just can't do it.

My blog has been on pause. I can go to work, take care of my family, and do day to day activities with not much room for much else, and even smile while I am doing it. Up until now, I have been blank when it comes to writing. I have been sad. I have been in my own world. I've withdrawn from some people, and clung to others, unable to focus as well at work, and really I'm sure let other things suffer.

But, I'm trying. I'm just worried, and sad, and heartbroken for my brother and his family...but I'm trying. So, maybe this is my way of saying...I'll stop slacking on my blog soon enough...if I've slacked on our friendship...I'll try harder, but understand I don't have much to give lately...and if you've missed pictures of my cute baby...I'll catch up. Just….when I can.

I am feeling a heartbreak I’ve never felt before. I’m 32, and believe me, my heart has been broken before. My heart has experienced happiness, and sadness, emptiness, and…it’s been shattered…and I’ve picked up every last piece of my broken heart and moved on with life. Some broken hearts can be healed. Some hurt less with time. Some are because of life lessons, lost loves, self induced conflict, accidents, tragedy, death, and the list could go on. But, this one: this is one I’m not sure how to handle because I’ve never had to and there is no good explanation of how or why.

So, that’s where I’ve been. In limbo between trying to be positive and upbeat, while obviously being terrified and sad for him.

I have no regrets with my relationship with my brother. That’s the only solace that I have. He always knew he could come to me. He always knew I was a phone call away. And, he has always known I’ve cared. Even with that said, it doesn’t make it easier.

It doesn’t make it easier.