How I felt for the last few months....

I'm back...oh boy...I'm BACK. Not only am I back to blogging...but I feel like me...Stephanie again. I've started to catch up on my blogging. Okay..I'm nowhere near being caught up...but, I'm BACK. Who's excited? Anyway--I've started updating my blog, and because I'm weird like this--my posts will be backdated so that I have some sense of order in my blog. I mean...blogs DO have to be orderly, right?

I've been in a funk. I've been in just a not so good "space." Life has been overwhelming to me. I mean, really--when is it not? But, this time--it was way too much for me. So, I took a break. I took a break from it all. I went to see my brother, went to visit my parents and my sister... took a few sick days off of work... and just .... well, I'm not sure what I did. But, whatever it is...I am over being in my own little world, and ready to be back to my normal silly, blogging, painting, crazy self.

I really am lucky for the family that I have...and for the good friends that I have. I don't have a million--but I do have a few that really have kept me sane, and let me be me. I love them for it.

So, what have we been up to? Don't you want to know?

Kenny--Working ... alot. He's been working on his bike, tinkering with truck that he was gifted from a darling dear friend of mine (wink), did the round robin tournament at the gun club... and he's getting excited to spend just about every weekend next month turkey hunting. Don't ask me about that excitement...but he's WAY excited.

Kira-- Miss Personality has been talk, talk, talking.... allll daaaaay long. And, she's learning her abc's, colors, numbers, etc. She has such a sense of humor. She laughs a lot. She LOVES to paint and color-on paper and on herself. She is getting along great at her "daycare." She loves to help me clean, and do laundry, and well...make the mess that needs cleaning. She wants to do everything herself. She is a little more picky and naughty when it comes to dinner time. If Duke isn't in his bed at dinner time, he gets a feast courtesy of Kira. She is SO loving, and loves to give kisses and hugs. Her cute little face just crumbles if she sees anyone sad, and her face lights up when she's being silly or excited. Don't get me wrong--she's a terror also. If it can be opened, she opens it and dumps it, or draws with it, or does whatever she isn't supposed to with whatever she can get her hands on. She has been sick a few times, and I'm SO ready for the warm weather which I hope helps her keep from getting sick so much.

Me-- Hmm. I've been working. Exciting, huh? I work... and I play with Kira. I have had a couple play dates. I've gone to see my brother, and my parents, and my sister. I've spent time with friends, and played Bunko. I love playing bunko--one of the highlights of my month. ha! I have been getting myself to the gym and/or walking with my girlfriend on lunch at work--that's helped me for sure with my stress levels. I've just updated my ipod with fun new songs, have a nice pair of running shoes...and I'm ready for the nice weather to get outside every day. I need the sunshine. Seriously--I need the sun!!!

I'm happy to report that Kenny and I are both employed...have a happy child, and are doing pretty well. We've both had our fun times with medical tests/procedures/sicknesses the last few months--but we are doing fine. And, well...things could be a lot worse so I'm thankful for the health we do have.

Amazing how much I can ramble when it's almost midnight. But, that's our family update for now. I'll play catch up-- and post my fun pictures from vacations, etc. I'm actually excited!!

Easter!

Kira had a fun Easter. Her Aunt, Grandma and Grandpas...and of course, the Easter Bunny treated her well. She ate way too much candy, and had a fun time with her Easter baskets!
It was FREEZING outside...so the Easter Bunny hid eggs inside Grandma Hart's house. Kira felt the need to open seriously every egg before she'd move on to the next one. I think the Easter Bunny might not hide so many eggs next year? I don't know...I think I'll tell him to maybe hide 1/4 of the eggs he did this year....might make it easier on everyone. We had a yummy breakfast, good chats, and full bellies. :)

Colorful Eggs!

Everyone and their 18 kids were at Walmart the day before Easter. I picked up a few things, including some Easter things. While I made lunch, Kenny colored eggs with Kira...and my, my, my...they were some FUN eggs!!

Kira and her daddy....she's stripped down to nothing to save her clothes--she's a messy artist.

Daddy helped Kira dip the eggs

Kira made almost all of them (she didn't like to share too much. ha!)

AlL dONe!!!

Happy Birthday Jake!!

So.... Kenny, Kira and I went to celebrate Jake's birthday. We went to have dinner and cake at Leslie and Greg's house. First of all...pizza from the Pie..SO yummy. Second of all--ADORABLE house. Oh, and third of all...HaPpy BiRtHdaY Jake!

Jake blowing out his candles... waaaaaay too many of them I think.


Jake and his girlfriend, Melissa..such a cute couple :)

Daddy and Kira bowling

Umm...even with assistance of the little kiddie helper Jake didn't do so hot.

They had a little contest, and the kids did the chicken dance--Kira was SO good at it. It was a proud mommy moment.

Normally I'm not so down for bowling. My wrists always hurt after a game or two. I never win. And, well... I never win. BUT, my wrists didn't hurt....not one second..... and, I mean.....not bragging or anything, but umm...I totally beat Kenny. HA!!! woot! woot! It was way fun, though...I'm totally down for some more cosmic bowling. :)

Cute Cousins

Anyone who knows my mom knows that she is an AMAZING seamstress. Well, this year she made Kira, Kali, and Kamdyn matching dresses. They had the same shoes, shirts, and dresses. We all went to church together and those little girls were the most adorable kids there! Now..taking a picture with three little girls...I mean, we did the best we could. :

Goodbye Utah... Hello Sunshine....

Kira is set: Goldfish, milk, earphones, and teddy bear. This sweet girl was an ANGEL on the plane. She didn't cry, or fuss, or ....do anything but eat her snacks, smile at the person behind her, and watch her little TV. I was SO relieved she behaved. SO glad!

As soon as my sister and her car full of kids picked us up...she zonked out. Traveling is hard for little ones!

We got mom a fruit arrangement to bring her for her birthday. It was yummy!

Kira...handing me a weed...thinking it's a beautiful flower!


My little girl...just so happy to be in the sunshine!

So, my sister and I have started a tradition. Each March we go to visit my parents...I take my daughter, and she takes however many kids she has at the time. This year she's up to 30. Just kidding. But, it's us girls and our kids...and my parents...and the sunshine. This year this trip could not have come at a better time. I was so tired, and so DONE with just everything... I know that sounds bad...but really...I just wanted a vacation and the sun was calling my name. I was gone for a week...which was a long time to be away from home, and from Kenny...but really...I could have stayed SO much longer besides that. I can't wait til next year...

I've written and re-written a blog post about my brother so many times over the last couple months and deleted every one. A blog about my little brother who has cancer. My little brother who has parents, siblings, friends, a wife, three children, and cancer. MY little brother.

I pride myself in being able to express how I feel. I can write a story, or poem, or article and paint a picture of any emotion that I am feeling. I could turn dirt into diamonds with just a few words. I could probably, should my life ever allow, quit my job and be happy just writing all day long about family, friends, life lessons, funny events, etc. I love writing just that much.

But right now, I just can't do it.

My blog has been on pause. I can go to work, take care of my family, and do day to day activities with not much room for much else, and even smile while I am doing it. Up until now, I have been blank when it comes to writing. I have been sad. I have been in my own world. I've withdrawn from some people, and clung to others, unable to focus as well at work, and really I'm sure let other things suffer.

But, I'm trying. I'm just worried, and sad, and heartbroken for my brother and his family...but I'm trying. So, maybe this is my way of saying...I'll stop slacking on my blog soon enough...if I've slacked on our friendship...I'll try harder, but understand I don't have much to give lately...and if you've missed pictures of my cute baby...I'll catch up. Just….when I can.

I am feeling a heartbreak I’ve never felt before. I’m 32, and believe me, my heart has been broken before. My heart has experienced happiness, and sadness, emptiness, and…it’s been shattered…and I’ve picked up every last piece of my broken heart and moved on with life. Some broken hearts can be healed. Some hurt less with time. Some are because of life lessons, lost loves, self induced conflict, accidents, tragedy, death, and the list could go on. But, this one: this is one I’m not sure how to handle because I’ve never had to and there is no good explanation of how or why.

So, that’s where I’ve been. In limbo between trying to be positive and upbeat, while obviously being terrified and sad for him.

I have no regrets with my relationship with my brother. That’s the only solace that I have. He always knew he could come to me. He always knew I was a phone call away. And, he has always known I’ve cared. Even with that said, it doesn’t make it easier.

It doesn’t make it easier.